Some things you take for granted.

You take the sun rising each morning for granted.

You take creamer being in the fridge for your coffee every morning for granted.

Clean socks… No one knows how they get there, but they aren’t appreciated.

Babies.  We get pregnant, we make it to the second trimester and we take healthy babies for granted.
I haven’t had that luxury since Hannah’s death.  I’ve always walked on tiptoe until about week 14-16 when they place in that beautiful purse string stitch, the cerclage, around my cervix.   We tell the kids they “lock” the door of the uterus.  They stitch it up tight so it can support the weight of the baby.

I had a doctor’s appointment this past Monday.  It was a wonderful thing.  I was seeing a doctor I really adored and I love his staff!  As a bonus, we got our first ultrasound and what did we see?  A perfectly healthy baby.  Really it couldn’t get much better.  Sounds lovely doesn’t it?

And it was!  All of her little arms and legs and parts were there.  Unfortunately the placenta isn’t cooperating with our game plan.  We’ve had previa before – marginal previa.  Where just a naughty little lip of the placenta hung over the edge of the cervix.  And really?  Worse case scenario?  The absolute WORST thing that could happen?  I’d have to have a cesearean section a few weeks early.  Would I love it?  No.  But, ah well, a healthy baby is the goal and a healthy baby is worth the price paid in a pound of flesh. 😉

I didn’t realize I was at such high risk – several risk factors.

~Previous previa – twice
~Previous D & C  – to remove retained placenta after Ana’s birth
~Grand Multi-Para – lots of babies
~Previous C-Section
~Advanced Maternal Age (have to love that at 32, lol.)

Previa usually moves!  As a matter of fact, out of all the people who are determined to have some type of previa, only 10%, a teeny tiny 10%, still have it by the time they need to worry in the late third trimester.  And here we sit… Our little ticking time bomb.  Because we can’t wait for the third trimester. Oh no.  That cerclage was supposed to be placed in July.  And it won’t be.  And if the previa doesn’t move in August, it won’t be placed then.  And we have the unfortunate coincidence of having total (a.k.a. complete) previa.  It’s the least likely to move.  If it hasn’t moved by the beginning of September we’ve effectively closed our little window of opportunity to put in the “magic” stitch……

So what does it all mean?

I wish I knew.

I was one of those mamas who took a healthy baby for granted.  I mean sure, I had to jump through hoops, but a healthy baby?  After the surgery, everything has gone fine in the past.  And, after all, there is that *unmentionable* thing to be mentioned….  I lost one baby.  When Hannah was born at 26 weeks, she lived 12 days.  Who has TWO children die?  Who?  No one.  Right?  Not in this day and age……..  So that was, albeit not politically correct, it was my reasoning.   I had given up one child and why would God ever allow me to lose two?

And so here we sit.

I wish that was all.  We have the added complication that if the cerclage isn’t in place, my preterm labor is severe.  I dilate painlessly.  I am one of those incredibly blessed women who do not know they are in labor.  Think I’m kidding?  Abigail and Sarah.  They’re my examples.  With both Abigail and Sarah, I went into a doctor’s appointment and found out I was, respectively, 6.5 cm and 6 cm. dilated.  Contractions?  Nope, nothing out of the ordinary.  As a matter of fact with Abigail, strong, labor like contractions did not start until I was at eight, and then we broke my water.  She was born about 15 minutes later.  Lucky me!  I love this part of labor, lol.  But.  Not. In. This. Case.

In this case painless dilation is a serious threat.  The biggest risk about going into labor with total previa is the risk to Mom and Baby.  If you’re dilating without warning, the little vessels inside the placenta begin to break.  Pretty soon you start to bleed.  Baby can die with no warning and Mama can begin to hemorrhage, sometimes dangerously so.

Many doctors head this off by doing an early c-section.  What does one do when one goes into labor at 20 weeks?  What about 24 weeks?  28?  What about when you’re choosing, by delivery, to end the baby’s life?  Or at the very least make life awfully hard?

I’m wondering in the next months what decisions we’re going to be asked to make?  Are we going to be asked to terminate?  The answer would be decidedly no.  Am I going to end up hospitalized again, like with Hannah?  What does a mother of seven living, homeschooling children do when she’s hospitalized for weeks?  Are we going to be asked to choose the life of the mother over the life of the baby… Effectively that’s what IS going to happen if we start going into labor at 24 weeks or earlier.

I wonder these questions.  I wonder more morbid ones as well.  Did you know you can bury two children in the same plot at the cemetary?  Why would you?  I know this.   I hemorrhaged badly after Hannah was born.  I still remember the very LITERAL sound of splashing blood.  Memories like that haunt you sometimes…..  There are darker questions you wonder… Do you have enough life insurance?  Have you taken enough pictures?  If the worst happened, which children would have memories of their mama?  It’s late… The mind wanders.

Most of all I wonder why God would put me in this position.  I’ll not shy away from the fact that I’m praying for His protection.  For mine and the baby’s well-being to be sure, but for more than that… For His protection from being faced with ALL of it.  I’m praying for the placenta to be moved, and this burden to be lifted, these choices to be removed.

And sometimes God says, “Yes, I’ll take this cup from you.”

And sometimes?  Well, sometimes He says no.

I do entirely trust that His will can and should be done.  I acknowledge that His will is far better than mine.  I live to serve and wonder how I’ll be used in this instance…….  I pray for His eyes to see.  And I remember the story in the Bible with the father and He is asking the Lord to heal his child.  And the Lord asked, “Do you believe?”  And the father answers, “I beleive Lord, take away my unbelief.”  And I pray that He’ll remove doubt and unfaithfulness from my heart.

Part of me rests easy.  The better part of me is patiently trusting, waiting to see and hear and experience both what is and what will be.

The other?  Ah well, she is researching previa trying to find the exact statistics of total previa moving by exactly 20 weeks.  I know her.  She’s the same one that could quote the statistics for a 26 week old premature little girl surviving.

I’ve said over and over and over again, statistics aren’t relevant.  Even if the statistics are 98% to 2%, if you’re meant to be in that 2%, it is as it will be.  And no amount of worry will change that.

All prayers are appreciated.

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