So, I admit it.  I didn’t do the lesson plans! 😉  I got the girls all dolled up and off we went to a cousin’s bridal shower.  We did the hair, the nails, the jewelry, the whole ball of wax and they had fun.   I’m not “bound” to go to all these showers for my cousins… Each of my parents had ten siblings and it resulted in an awful lot of cousins, lol. But it was enjoyable and I love my dad’s sisters.  They were a big part of my life growing up and it’s always nice to see them all together.  It reminds me why I want a large family.  They absolutely adore being together and tease one another without ANY regard to mercy. 😛

It was a bit of a challenge for me.  The easy questions weren’t difficult to field – “So, when are you due again?”  “Boy or girl this time?”  “Any names picked out?”  And then there were the more challenging ones…  “How are things going this time?”  And one aunt went to Canada with Mom & Dad last week, so they were aware of what was going on.  She wondered if she could help with the kids, how I was feeling, etc.  Showers aren’t exactly intimate in our family.  You can’t picture ten people celebrating…  There’s our side, their side, whichever cousins show up, et cetera, so after presents are opened, cake eaten, there’s generally just a dozen or so little conversations taking place in the room as people break up into little chit-chatty groups.

It’s complicated.

So, I tried to answer as shallowly as I could.

And on the way home I felt sadly lacking.

It seems to me that the answers I give are very “pat” and they are NOT pointing others to the peace a faith in God can bring.  And that frustrates me….

I’m not sure how this is supposed to go.

I was thinking in the car yesterday that I feel an awful lot like a Doubting Thomas. 😦  It isn’t that I don’t believe God CAN perform a miracle. I do.  I fully embrace that He can.  It’s only that I doubt that He will.  After all, I’ve been on both sides.  With Elizabeth, we ended up with a beautifully healthy little girl.  With Hannah, He also performed a miracle (in that we didn’t have to choose to shut off the machines, an answer to prayer) but she DID die.  And so I know that God’s will isn’t always our will.

I’m actually okay with that.  There are, in general two questions that every non-Christian likes to ask a Christian.  And often our answers to these two are found lacking.

The first question is:  “If God is truly God then why do bad things happen?”

The answer is, of course, that we live in a fallen world.  Our Lord never created sin.  He created free will.  He INTENDED for us to live eternally, with no death, no sickness, no sin.  Unfortunately through our free will, WE brought sin into the world.

The second question is of course: “If your God is entirely GOOD and completely masterful of the world then why does He ALLOW bad things to happen?”

Which is entirely different.  It assumes two things.  Either your God is NOT good, because He allows bad things to happen or the second conclusion, He is not all powerful, because He doesn’t stop them.  And if He IS good, and He IS all-powerful then WHY would He allow it?

And that is when we Christians stop and say, “Uh, um, um, uh…”

I am certainly not wise.  I would disagree even with ever being a mature Christian as I have a VERY hard time (and often don’t) control my tongue.  I fail on a daily basis.  It scares me to even make the assumption that I know the answer to this.  I’d pray that those who read it, read it with much prayer and revelation from Him.

The truth?  What I’ve read in the Bible is for several reasons.  One the Bible tells us He can use bad things for good.  Sometimes bad things happen as a result of our own poor decisions.  He allows us to face the consequences of our bad choices, although there are obviously times when He chooses, in His great mercy, shield us from those consequences as well.  Sometimes allowing your children to experience the consequences of their actions serves a greater purpose than shielding them from it, no?

Supportive scripture:

~ Romans 8:28 ~
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So it says that in ALL things God can work for good.

Now, our definition of “good” and what God defines as for good is certainly often different.

Death is a wonderful example.  If anyone knows the quote, I’d be grateful… I feel it is C.S. Lewis, but cannot remember it.  But it went on to say, when you think of the pain experienced in life and the alternative of the joy of living after death without sin, why is it we embrace life so tightly and fear death?  We have the exact opposite view as God.  When I think of death for Hannah it saddens me.  Should it not bring me joy that she doesn’t experience pain?  She is already with Christ.  What an amazing blessing, to know a child of mine is near God?  Think of the joy in that, should only my other children some day experience that same blessing?  And yet, we consider death the ultimate “bad thing” and consider that pain, or misery in sickness, the better alternative…..

God lets us know that we experience trials so that we may be refined, brought closer to Him, gain wisdom and maturity.  I know I’ve quoted this verse as well here.

~ James 1 ~

Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Trials grow us, they stretch us, they cause us to depend on God.  If you’ve read ANYTHING of the Old Testament then you know, trials are what would continually bring back a wandering people to God.  They were stiff necked and when things would go well, they would wander from the Lord.  Trials would help them to depend on Him and bring them back…..

And finally we face trials so we can help others.

~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 ~

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,  so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  If we are in distress, it is for your comfort and salvation.”

I will be the first to say that we have been able to offer comfort to others who have experienced baby loss after we ourselves lost Hannah.  I will be completely honest in that I have been able to distance myself a bit from this by sending a card, a note, a gift……  Recently it was closer to home.  A cousin of mine lost his little boy quite unexpectedly after his birth.  And we attended the wake.  I was NOT prepared to see the baby, or the casket, or not nearly so as I had thought.  I had thought I’d be able to offer words of comfort and was not able to offer more than, “I’m so sorry” as I sobbed.  But, thankfully, I had written  down that which I wanted to offer in a card ahead of time.  It had been eight years since Hannah’s death and I hadn’t seen a baby casket since hers.  In retrospect I’m still a little shocked at the depth with which it affected me……

I can honestly say that now that we are possibly facing some difficult scenarios I am not finding myself praying for the life of the child again.  It very much surprised me when we were faced with losing Hannah and I prayed more to not have to make the decision of ending her life than for her life.  Perhaps God had prepared me for the fact that we were going to lose her?  I’ll not know in this life.

I find myself now praying for faith for the walk….  I wonder if that actually shows a lack of faith?  My saving faith is always there, I do not doubt my Lord.  I do not doubt His ability to perform a miracle and never, since July 2000,  have I doubted His existence, His goodness, His mercy, or His compassion through this.

You’ll find this strange, but about ten years ago we had a discussion about God and faith after the death of a child.  I had befriended people with a deep faith, and yet mine was very shallow.  I had been raised Catholic and my belief system very much reflected that of my family.  I believed in the existence of God.  I believed in the existence of Christ much like I believed in the existence of George Washington, lol.  I took for granted that he lived and that he died and that he did great things in history while he lived.  It certainly was no SAVING faith, just a belief that yes, He was a figure in history.  We were involved in a conversation one day and I remember clearly, as I’m certain they do, that I said something to the effect that should I ever lose a child I’d lose my faith in God.  Who could believe in a God that would allow a child to die?

When we lost Hannah it was 2001.  I had been saved for all of almost seven months.  It was of great consolation to me, but I can’t pretend that I could grasp anything… Only the arms of peace and comfort around me.  But it’s a bit like drowning in the ocean I think.  You didn’t have time to really catch your breath between waves.  It took one’s concentration to just keep your head above water and you couldn’t think ahead five minutes because you had to simply exist in the moment you were in.  It was all you could do.

I can say that having walked that road I certainly would not have wanted to walk it without God.  What hope can a person have who experiences such a loss and doesn’t have the grace of God with them?  I should think it would be utterly desolate and without any comfort at all.

I said earlier that I felt a bit like a doubting Thomas.  I have multitudes of friends praying for a healing miracle  – that the placenta should move so they can perform the surgery…. That the pregnancy continue well past when it medically “should” even without the surgery…  A healthy baby at the end of it all.  And I FULLY and COMPLETELY recognize that my God is quite capable of doing these things.  I almost feel like it is a betrayal to have them pray for such a thing when I myself do not feel compelled to pray for this…….

I find it strange that I doubt that He will.  I wonder if perhaps it isn’t a bit more like Hannah’s death?  I never doubted for one instant that He COULD keep her alive, it was just that I doubted that He would.  I feel much like that.  I can say that it would be amazing and I would be eternally grateful if He should decide to perform one of those medical miracles.

And yet, I’m left with the comfort that should He NOT perform these, that if I should be left with the previa, and if they should NOT do the surgery, and that if the progesterone injections NOT work, I still have this confusing (to me) peace that good certainly will come of this.  I wondered aloud to a friend that I wonder  sometimes ifwe aren’t allowed to walk through trials for the benefit of those around us who do NOT believe?  That they may see a difference in the comfort we are given by God?  It is strange, this sense of peace I have about all of it.  I’d be leaving a bit out if I didn’t say I’m eagerly awaiting my next doctor’s appointment.  Or that I don’t want to “skip ahead” and see how this is going to work out…  But this thing, this web He’s weaving in my life, it is a miracle by itself to stand aside and see the works He is doing within my own heart.  I feel a renewal of faith that I have needed, wanted, ached for, for a very long time.  It is spurring me towards prayers, towards teaching, seeking,  and more……  Not for what most people think I’m praying for, but for a true hunger for the gifts of God……  Don’t you think that’s strange?  I’m surprised myself.

Ah, this ended up so much longer than I intended this morning.  I pray it is received as I meant it to be taken and all glory given to God for His word, His comfort, His goodness through all the times of trials that we face….  May we each learn to depend on Him a little more and ourselves a little less.

Advertisements